Joe’s Appreciation Speech:
I want to thank all those UPS drivers for getting ballots into Canada - it was dangerous work driving at night with the lights out. And I want to thank the ballot stuffers for their hard work going long hours in spite of union rules - you will each receive a metacarpal brace and free healthcare for life.
I also want to give a special thanks to the Chinese government for all those felt tip markers. We will use the huge surplus for the next election. I know it puts your coal factories under a tremendous strain. And don’t worry, we will issue a corresponding Carbon Tax Credit in Rev. Al’s name. Whispering to himself, “That goofball has used up all available credits on his monthly gas and electric bill. What the heck do I tell Xi on our golf trip in the Bahamas?”
And I want to thank all the volunteers at the polling centers who courageously covered windows to maintain secrecy and prevented any authorized certification of mail-in ballots.
To the teachers of America, thank you for molding our youth into a league of reactionary, vigilante forces, for the good of our country and, of course, me, whom you trained to bully, without restraint, those who do not think like us.
And whoever came up with the hate-speech label should get a medal. That way you never have to engage in meaningful discussions which would mean (Joe shudders) we might actually have to agree (he shudders again) and change.
But it would have been more appealing if you had made the youth a little more self-controlled and heroic. I must admit, we've fractured the American family and made it almost impossible for our youth to have a regular, healthy adulthood.
But with unswerving faith you are helping build the kind of America we can all be proud of. Once we get the voting age down to fifteen, there will be no stopping us.
And Michelle, thank you. Here I thought you were just peaches and cream but you were slinging it like the rest of us. You rock girl!
Also I would like to give a shout out to the American Left, who maintained, steadfastly to the core, the Trump hate campaign for the last four years. I know it did put a big strain on your health, the country’s health and the health of the world but it helped bring within our grasp the coveted prize. There will no doubt be personal and planetary fallout from all that mass negativity, but it is a sacrifice CNN was willing to make.
Notwithstanding the resulting ‘natural disasters’, future generations will be singing our praises. And thanks to Soros for those wealth-distribution cartoons. They are a little goofy, but we had to reach all levels of understanding - good job Amigo.
What freedom to have been out of the political closet for four years. It was a blast being able to be oursleves. I’ll have to give Trump his due for that. Now we need to go back to pretense and re-adorn ourselves with the thin veils of integrity, decency, cooperation, fairness and correctness. We don’t want to appear too unseemly for our European brothers. I hope to get a Nobel Prize out of this just like ‘O’.
And I want to thank my running mate Mamala Harris. I . . .
TV director: Kamala, Joe. Kamala. Read the teleprompter.
Oh yes. Uh (spells out Kamala). Got it, . . . Kamala. I want to thank her for threatening to kick my . . . If I start falling asleep at the mic or forgetting what I stand for - it’s hard when you’ve changed your mind so often. So thank you again Mamala. Ouch!!!
TV Director: That’s a wrap